My Immortal Commentary! Yay!
by Queen Parodine
Summary: (Yes, I added another My Immortal Commentary to the heaping pile.) I, the one and only Queen Parodine, accepted the tedious task of commenting on the infamous fanfic My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie.. I hope that it tickles your fancy. Rated M for swearing and not very graphic sex scenes.
1. Chapter 1: It Begins

**QPN(Queen Parodine's Note): Hey guys! YES, another freaking "My Immortal" commentary. No, this isn't really a "parody" but I've been wanting to do this for ages. Don't steal my thunder :o  
I'll be writing my comments in bold, like this. I don't really know what I can say that hasn't already been said about this magnificent piece of literary feces that hasn't already been said by others, but I'll try to be original.(Being me, I know I will fail spectacularly.)  
Also, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters from it, it belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros., blah blah bluh bleh.  
Okay, here we go. Let's get this train wreck a-rollin!**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**(Terrible.)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way)**(Why not?)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling.**(She hasn't really helped so far, but I'd shudder to think of you writing on your own if you write this crappily with help...)** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing**(Deprzzing is a magnificent word. I'll use it more often now)** life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**(*sigh*)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way**(Your parents must hate you. "Dark'ness Dementia"...just deprzzing, Tara. Deprzzing.)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**(So you had long hair when you were born? Weird.)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back**(Well isn't someone a little scene bitch)** and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)**(If only...Sadly, I wanted to do this. 'Tis my duty)**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**(Ew.)** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.**(Really? I was expecting them to be curly and purple.)** I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England**(SCOTLAND, dammit)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black.**(I don't give a flying fuck.)** I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**(I can't even describe the sheer nonexistence of the fucks that I give)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining**(At the same time? Wat)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**(Charming.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was….**(dundundundundun)** Draco Malfoy!**(DADAAAH!)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.**(Oh ffs...DRACO IS NOT SHY.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**(That was the most dramatic, passionate, detailed conversation I've ever heard. Jk, it was deprzzing. Also Ebony, you have **_**friends?!**_**)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**(Good? **_**Good?! **_**You just shat all over the entire Harry Potter franchise! I hope you're happy, you little wank.)**

**So that's that. I've read the entire "My Immortal" fanfic before, so I know what awaits me.(spoiler: it's crap!) I'll put up more chapters soon...  
Comments greatly appreciated. I love to hear feedback, and I'm not afraid of a little constructive criticism. If it's good, tell me why. If it sucks, tell me why. I want to knooow :D Fangz! /Q.P**


	2. Chapter 2: Dumb and Dumber

**(QPN: Next chapter, here we go. Yaaaaay.)**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!**("Help"...)** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom.**(BREAKING NEWS EVERYBODY: Girl wakes up in own bedroom!)** It was snowing and raining again**(That just ain't right.)**. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.**(See how many fucks I give? Me neither.)** I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**(Okay, my fucks given are now in the negatives. I have given exactly -1 fuck.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**(Such a sweet, composed girl.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.**(Can you spell 'hypocrite'?)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Why in the name of Merlin's most baggy Y-fronts is a MUGGLE BAND playing in Hogsmeade?! Shit don't make no sense!)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed.**(You scream a lot. Are you related to PewDiePie?)** I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(Ooh. How exciting. Seriously, I would prefer staring at a dead goat for five hours than reading more of this. But I must. For Science!)**


	3. Chapter 3-4: Grammar Butcherings

**(QPN: I'm going to post two chapters at a time now, they are so short! Also, my head is feeling a bit strange. Maybe it's all the sucky grammar...)**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**(Who are they? Your imaginary friends?)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN!**(Raven, you are just as dumb as Tara.)** oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**(Nope, still no fucks given. Give up, Ebony.)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. **(Okay, now I give a fuck because this is so ridiculously stupid. I have lost literally all respect for Tara Gilesbie now. Self-harm is not a casual matter. Nobody says, "Oh, I'm feeling a bit blue. Better slice my arms open!" As a person who has been struggling with self-harm in the past, I can say that Tara has NO IDEA about what they're talking about. *sigh* Okay. Rant time over. Phew)** I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car**(Since when does Draco have a flying car? Wouldn't his father forbid it? Wouldn't Lucius stop Draco from going to a Muggle concert in the first place?! It makes no sense at all...)**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!)**(Idiot.)**.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**(This guy you love is going to take you to a concert with a band you love, and you're depressed-sorry, deprzzed-about seeing him. Fucking. Stupid. Bitch.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)**(Fucks-given-o-meter(or FGOM for short): -47)** and flew to the place with the concert.**(How specific. Imagine if people talked like that..."I live in an area!" "I have a food item in my oven!" "Have you seen this thing? You know, with the stuff?")** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**(Don't do drugs, kids, or you'll end up like Ebony Enoby Preten'tious Whateverhernamewas and her friends...)** When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**(I want to barf.)**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**(As charming as ever, huh Ebony?)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…**(unnecessary periods)**… the Forbidden Forest!**(Suspenseful? Lolnope.)**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY**(I can't even.)** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**(Oh em gee. I am literally rofling. This is just delightfully terrible.)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**(Easy bitch. He hasn't done anything wrong.)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(With the passion of the toe fungus growing on a mutilated walrus corpse, it's Tara Gilesbie!)  
**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.**(Ooh, easy on the smut or I might get a lady boner.)** And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was…**(What time is it? Unnecessary period time!)**….Dumbledore!**(Picturing Dumbledore swearing is hilarious.)**

**QPN: Okay, that was it for today. It's in the middle of the night here in Sweden, and I need to get some sleep, my head is aching. I'll post more later. Please comment and give me feedback, fangz!**


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